How to Give Feedback

How to have useful, honest feedback conversations
that help people grow

This is the second blog in my weekly series: Practical Tips for Leaders and Managers.

Each post shares straightforward advice to help you lead with more confidence, clarity and care — whether you're managing your first team or leading a group of experienced professionals and is inspired by the themes I regularly come across in my work as an Executive Coach and Facilitator. So far, we’ve explored How to Build Confidence and overcome Imposter Syndrome.

This article shares some practical tips for giving feedback, something that almost everyone I work with admits is hard and uncomfortable.

Why Feedback Feels So Hard

When I’m coaching leaders and managers, even experienced ones, I often hear some version of this:

• “I find feedback awkward — I don’t want to upset anyone.”

• “I know I should give feedback, but I never know how to start or how to find the right time.”

• “What if they take it the wrong way?”

It’s easy to avoid giving feedback, tempting to soften it with a ‘sh*t sandwich’, or just drop vague hints that don’t get heard or safe it up to the next annual review - by which time you feel resentful and the lack of intervention may have caused bigger problems.

But done well, it’s about helping someone see what’s working, what’s not, and what they could do differently in the future, with care and clarity.

We might hold back from giving feedback because:

• We worry that if we give honest feedback, they might not like me. “If I’m honest, they’ll think I’m harsh or unfair.”

• We fear an emotional reaction. “What if they get upset, angry or defensive, and I don’t know how to handle it?”

• We’re uncomfortable with discomfort with confrontation or conflict

• We lack confidence in our own ability. “Who am I to give feedback when I’m not perfect either?”

• We don’t want to get it wrong. “If I can’t say it exactly right, I’d better not say it at all.”

• We make assumptions, “They probably already know,” or “They won’t change anyway.”

• We’re nervous about creating more work or complexity “If I raise this, I might open a can of worms.”So we soften it, delay it, avoid it, or bundle it up in vague generalities.

But giving good feedback isn’t about catching someone out or fixing them - it’s about helping them see what’s working, what’s not, and what to do next.

Why Feedback Matters

Clear, honest, constructive feedback is one of the most powerful tools you have as a leader. It:

• Builds trust and transparency

• Shows people they’re seen and valued

• Helps nip issues in the bud

• Prevents resentment and confusion

• Boosts morale and motivation

• Makes expectations visible and fair

And that includes positive feedback too. Not vague praise, but clear, specific recognition that shows people what good looks like and helps it happen again.

Feedback shouldn’t be an annual event saved up for performance reviews.

It works best when it’s regular, respectful, and part of everyday working life.

What Happens When Feedback Is Missing

When feedback is avoided, the issues don’t disappear; they just go underground and lead to resentment. Here’s what I see in teams where feedback is patchy or inconsistent:

• People don’t know what’s expected

• Good work goes unrecognised

• Poor behaviour goes unchallenged

• Frustration simmers quietly

• Trust erodes over time

If no one’s saying it out loud, someone’s probably saying it somewhere else. Better to create space for honest conversations than let gossip or guesswork fill the silence.

Practical Tips: How to Give Better Feedback

You don’t need a script. But you do need to be thoughtful. Here’s a simple, human-centred approach that works in real life. Here’s how:

1. Start a Conversation, Not a Monologue

Feedback is most powerful when it’s a two-way exchange, not a download. Try opening with: “How do you think that went?”; “What do you feel went well?”; “What would you do differently next time?”
Making it a dialogue lowers defensiveness and shows respect. When someone feels part of the conversation, they’re far more likely to take action

2. Use the AID framework: Action – Impact – Direction

A simple structure that focuses on behaviour (not personality):

• Action – What did they do?

• Impact – What effect did it have?

• Direction – What’s the change you want?

Marshall Goldsmith

3. Feed Forward, Not Back

You can’t change the past, so dwelling in it provokes a defensive response. If you make the conversation future-focused, people will be less defensive, they will listen and engage in the conversation about how to improve. The concept of Feed Forward was developed by Marshall Goldsmith. It’s about focusing on future actions, not past mistakes and shifts the conversation from blame to growth.

• “Next time, I’d like you to…”

• “In future, what would help is…”

4. Praise in Public, Criticise in Private

Celebrate positive feedback in front of the team. It’s motivating, reinforcing, and a subtle way to highlight expectations. But if your feedback is critical or sensitive? Make time and find a space to talk in private.

5. Say It While It’s Fresh

Don’t save feedback up for next month’s one-to-one because it loses value and impact the longer you wait. If something helpful or important happens, say it while the moment’s still alive.

6. Don’t ask WHY

When you ask someone, “Why did you…?” or ‘Why did that happen…?” it puts people on the spot, it sounds like an accusation even if you don’t mean it to. Research shows that asking WHY activates the brain’s threat response, triggering defensiveness or withdrawal. People feel like they’re being interrogated rather than invited into a conversation.

This is especially true if you’re in a position of authority, the issue is sensitive or recent, or the person is already unsure or insecure

Instead of starting with “Why…?”, try reframing the question with one of these more open, exploratory alternatives:

• “What was your intention behind…?”

• “What were you aiming to achieve?”

• “Can you talk me through how you approached it?”

• “What do you think worked well, and what might you do differently next time?”

7. Other Words and Phrases to Avoid

Some phrases raise defences before your point has even landed.

Here are a few to watch out for:

• “You always…” / “You never…” - it’s generalising, unhelpful and often based on assumptions, not fact.

• “But…” is the classic ‘sh*t sandwich"‘ it cancels out anything positive you said before it and dliutes the message.

• “If I were you…” — sounds patronising

• “I think…” — try “What’s your take?” instead

8. Avoid You or Fact Tennis

Psychotherapist and author Philippa Perry uses the term “fact tennis” to describe a common trap in difficult conversations. She describes it as two people locked in a back-and-forth of “who’s right” lobbing facts, justifications, and corrections over the net. It becomes a rally of defensiveness where nobody wins.

In feedback conversations, a similar trap can happen — let’s call it “you tennis.”

One person says: “You didn’t do that properly.”

The other responds: “Well, you didn’t explain it clearly.”

And we’re off!

It’s unproductive and it creates tension.

When you show empathy and that you understand the other's perspective, their feelings and their fears, you can have a more productive conversation. Try centring the feedback on your experience and perspective, and on observable behaviour and impact.

Instead of “You didn’t speak up in that meeting.” Try: “I noticed you were quiet in the meeting, and I was wondering . . .”

Instead of “You’re always late with your reports.” Try “I’ve noticed the last few reports have arrived after the deadline. That makes it harder for us to meet the next step on time.”

Instead of: “You’re not a team player.” Try: “I’ve noticed you’ve chosen to work solo on the last few projects, I’m curious. . .”

9. Remember Radical Candor

Kim Scott’s Radical Candor framework is a favourite of mine and matches with Brene Brown’s:

”Clear is kind and kind is clear.”

Great feedback happens when you care personally and challenge directly. If you only care but don’t challenge? You’re being nice but not helpful. If you challenge without care? It’s harsh — and it rarely lands. When you find the balance of both, you are clear and kind, you build trust and growth

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Reflection Exercise: Getting Comfortable With Feedback

Take 10 minutes to reflect on the following:

• When was the last time I gave someone clear, helpful feedback in the moment?

• What kind of feedback do I tend to avoid giving and what’s behind that? (Fear of upsetting them? Not being sure how to say it?)

• Is there anyone in my team who could benefit from recognition or clarity this week?

• How could I be clearer when I’m giving feedback and make it a useful dialogue rather than a monologue?

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Would you like to discover how to give feedback or build a feedback culture?

I help leaders and managers to be more confident about giving regular feedback, and practice how to give clear, more effective feedback. I also work with senior leaders or other teams on how to build a feedback culture

If you’d like to chat about how I can help you through Leadership Coaching or workshops and training on giving feedback, get in touch.

• Book a time to chat on Zoom (or in person) via Calendly >

• Call me on 07966 475195

• Email polly@pollyrobinson.co.uk

Mastering Performance Management: 10 Tips to giving feedback

One of the most challenging things about becoming a manager is building the confidence to give effective feedback to your team. Delivering positive or negative feedback can feel daunting, you might not want to come across as soft and gushing, worry about being critical and being disliked, or just giving feedback that is unhelpful and demotivating.

FEEDBACK CREATES A CULTURE WHERE PEOPLE FEEL VALUED

In hospitality, people are our greatest asset and so, of course, their performance and attitude are central to the customer experience and business success. Giving regular feedback creates a virtuous circle of development and improvement.

So giving feedback is crucial to keeping your team on track, boosting quality and performance, to avoiding or repeating mistakes, and giving people the opportunity to grow and develop. When delivered well it can be inspiring and motivating. Creating a culture at work where feedback is a regular habit will strengthen relationships and boost retention. A feedback culture helps employees feel valued and heard, promotes accountability and encourages people to take an active role in their own development.

Feedback can be formal and planned as part of a one-to-one conversation or regular performance review or it can be informal and ad hoc, but remember that the quality of the feedback is more important than the frequency.

HOW TO DELIVER EFFECTIVE FEEDBACK

There’s a huge difference in impact between giving feedback badly or well. Badly delivered feedback can sound judgemental, vague or intangible, and saved up until it becomes irrelevant, an irritation or a resentment.

Phrases like “Why didn’t you do that?”, “Why did that happen?”, “You never do this”, “You should do that” or worst of all “If I were you…” (Nobody likes a know-all!) This will create a defensive response and people will tune out and switch off.

TOP 10 TIPS FOR DELIVERING EFFECTIVE FEEDBACK

1. SPECIFIC AND UNBIASED

The sweet spot is to deliver feedback (and I’m talking about both positive and negative feedback here) that is specific, unbiased and descriptive. A useful way to remember this is with the acronym: AID - which stands for:

• Action

• Impact

• Direction.

Start by objectively describing the action, what did or didn’t happen, explain the impact of that and then explore together how to move forward, make sure it doesn’t happen again or make it even better next time. Rather than making assumptions use phrases like “I noticed” or “I believe”. e.g.

“When the handover to the next team shift wasn’t done, I noticed the impact was that this task got forgotten.”

2. FEED FORWARD NOT BACK

There’s a popular concept called “feed forward” which focuses not on what has happened in the past, you can’t change the past and focus instead on the future. It’s more effective to help people learn to be right than to prove that they were wrong and that people will respond much more positively, listening better and coming up with their own ideas for improvement. You can use examples and give suggestions and encouragement for improvement.

3. MAKE IT A DIALOGUE

Next, make a feedback discussion a conversation - a dialogue, not a monologue. Ask people what they felt or observed was the impact, use questions to raise their awareness and ask them how they think they could do better next time. This will show your commitment to helping the person improve, grow and develop.

4. IN THE MOMENT

Make feedback immediate, don’t save it up until it becomes an issue or resentment. Suppose you have a process of performance appraisals or reviews. In that case, it can be tempting to hold back until the next one, but giving feedback should be part of your everyday management of your staff - a continuous loop: agree on next steps and objectives, monitor and support, review and reward.

5. IN THE RIGHT SETTING

You’ve probably heard the phrase “Praise in public and criticise in private’. Public praise in front of peers and colleagues adds more weight to the praise, reinforces positive performance and encourages others to emulate. But if you have more critical feedback to give, it’s kinder to find a private place to talk and you are less likely to provoke a defensive response.

6. DELIVERED THOUGHTFULLY

Be aware of your words and your thoughts. Remember that communication happens on different levels - what you mean to say, what you actually say, what the receiver hears and how they interpret it. When giving feedback try to be a fair witness, an observer - so even if you think someone is stupid or lazy, you need to describe their behaviour and its actions on the rest of the team or your customers. Leave your personal opinions and judgment at the door.

7. DEALING WITH CHALLENGING SITUATIONS

And what if you have a more serious issue to deal with and are dreading a difficult conversation?

This is the time to not respond in haste or anger, take some to calm down, reflect and prepare for the conversation and be clear what you want to get out of it. Ask the person for a meeting and give them some time to prepare too. It may be helpful to ask someone else to sit in the meeting - e.g. someone from HR or operations. Make it clear that you are trying to find a way to move forward and find solutions together. Make sure that the meeting is noted for future reference and share it with them afterwards.

During the conversation try to regulate your emotions, getting angry will not help, describe the issue and its impact, be factual and specific. Avoid playing ‘You Tennis’ where you make the feedback very personal “You did that…”, “you are always late” and turn it into personal observations such as “I noticed that this happened and it had this impact” or “I’m aware that when you arrive late it means we’re behind all day.”

Then open up the conversation giving the recipient time to tell it from their perspective, listen and pause, before clarifying and summarising. Use phrases like “How do you feel about this?” Or “Is this a fair representation of what happened?”

8. PROBLEM SOLVE TOGETHER

Then move into problem-solving together, asking questions to mutually agree next steps and finally suggest a follow-up meeting. You can be clear about your exceptions and what improvement looks like.

In serious cases, it’s essential to make clear the consequences of continued performance or behaviour issues. This doesn’t mean threatening that they will lose their job, but could include a formal warning or losing a bonus.

9. FORMAL AND INFORMAL, REGULAR AND AD HOC

The practice of regular formal performance reviews once or twice a year is evolving. Any manager who has had to deliver these for a team will know how time-consuming they can be and the temptation to save up difficult subjects until they are long overdue discussions. Employees can dread these formal meetings and find them demotivating. As a result, many businesses are moving away from them towards less formal, more regular performance conversations.

If your company still has a process of formal appraisals, the same principles as giving informal feedback. It should be a dialogue, not a monologue. The discussion must be fair, specific, consistent and forward-looking apply. Use specific examples to illustrate both the positive and negative such as customer feedback or information from colleagues.

10. ASK QUESTIONS

A vital part of any appraisal conversation is to start by asking the employee how they think they are getting on and explore their aspirations what skills (hard or soft) they want to develop and what are their future aspirations.

Together you should agree on future goals and targets that are aligned with the company’s values and overall objectives, this way staff feel they have a role to play in the vision and ambition of the business. These objectives should be SMART: specific, measurable, achievable, relevant and time-bound. Record them on paper or digitally then you can review progress regularly.

If you can create an environment where feedback is regular and a two-way conversation, you will create a culture where people feel motivated, supported and inspired to keep learning and growing.

How to Give Feedback

How to Give Feedback

One of the most challenging things about becoming a manager is building the confidence to give effective feedback to your team. Delivering positive or negative feedback can feel daunting, you might not want to come across as soft and gushing or worry that the receiver won’t like you or that giving feedback may be pointless and unhelpful.

But giving feedback is crucial to keeping your team on track, boosting quality and performance, to avoiding or repeating mistakes, it can provide an opportunity for people to grow and develop and when delivered well it can be inspiring and motivating.

There’s a huge difference in impact between giving feedback badly and well. Badly delivered feedback can sound judgemental, vague or intangible, focussed on the past and saved up until it becomes an irritation or resentment. Words like “Why didn’t you”, “You never do this”, “You should do that” or worst of all “If I were you…” (Nobody likes a know-all!) This will create a defensive response, people will tune out and switch off.

Good Feedback is:

• Descriptive

• Specific

• Actionable

• Balanced

• Forward-looking

• Continuous

• Regular and consistent

• Delivered in a Private space (if possible)

Descriptive&objective

The sweet spot is to deliver feedback (and I’m talking about both positive and negative feedback here) that is specific and descriptive giving examples - “When you do this, the result/impact was …” . Rather than making assumptions use phrases like “I noticed” or “I believe”.

forward looking

Then explore the ‘what next’ and make it actionable. There’s a popular concept called “FEED-FORWARD” which suggests that it’s more effective to help people to learn to be right than to prove that they were wrong and that people will respond much more positively, listening better and coming up with their own ideas for improvement.

Two-way

Next, turn it into a conversation, ask people what they felt or observed was the impact, use questions to raise their awareness and ask them how they think they could do better next time. This will show your commitment to helping the person improve, grow and develop.

Immediate

Make feedback immediate, don’t save up those feedback conversations. If you have a process of performance appraisals or reviews, it can be tempting to hold back until the next one, but it should be part of the everyday management of your staff. Feedback should be a continuous loop, agree actions and objectives, monitor and support, review and reward.

Private

You’ve probably heard the phrase “Praise in public and criticise in private’. Public praise in front of peers and colleagues adds more weight to the praise, reinforces positive performance and encourages others to emulate. But if you have more critical feedback to give, it’s kinder to find a private place to talk and you are less likely to provoke a defensive response.

tough conversations

And what if you have a more serious issue to deal with and are dreading a difficult conversation? This is the time to not respond in haste or anger, take some to calm down, reflect and prepare for the conversation and be clear what you want to get out of it. Ask the person for a meeting and give them some time to prepare too. During the conversation try to regulate your emotions, getting angry will not help, describe the issue and its impact, be factual and specific. Then open up the conversation giving the recipient time to tell it from their perspective, listen and pause, before clarifying and summarising. Then move into problem solving together, asking questions to mutually agree next steps and finally suggest a follow up meeting.

If you can create an environment where feedback is regular and a two-way conversation, you will create a culture where people feel motivated, supported and inspired to keep learning and growing.