How to Give Feedback

How to have useful, honest feedback conversations
that help people grow

This is the second blog in my weekly series: Practical Tips for Leaders and Managers.

Each post shares straightforward advice to help you lead with more confidence, clarity and care — whether you're managing your first team or leading a group of experienced professionals and is inspired by the themes I regularly come across in my work as an Executive Coach and Facilitator. So far, we’ve explored How to Build Confidence and overcome Imposter Syndrome.

This article shares some practical tips for giving feedback, something that almost everyone I work with admits is hard and uncomfortable.

Why Feedback Feels So Hard

When I’m coaching leaders and managers, even experienced ones, I often hear some version of this:

• “I find feedback awkward — I don’t want to upset anyone.”

• “I know I should give feedback, but I never know how to start or how to find the right time.”

• “What if they take it the wrong way?”

It’s easy to avoid giving feedback, tempting to soften it with a ‘sh*t sandwich’, or just drop vague hints that don’t get heard or safe it up to the next annual review - by which time you feel resentful and the lack of intervention may have caused bigger problems.

But done well, it’s about helping someone see what’s working, what’s not, and what they could do differently in the future, with care and clarity.

We might hold back from giving feedback because:

• We worry that if we give honest feedback, they might not like me. “If I’m honest, they’ll think I’m harsh or unfair.”

• We fear an emotional reaction. “What if they get upset, angry or defensive, and I don’t know how to handle it?”

• We’re uncomfortable with discomfort with confrontation or conflict

• We lack confidence in our own ability. “Who am I to give feedback when I’m not perfect either?”

• We don’t want to get it wrong. “If I can’t say it exactly right, I’d better not say it at all.”

• We make assumptions, “They probably already know,” or “They won’t change anyway.”

• We’re nervous about creating more work or complexity “If I raise this, I might open a can of worms.”So we soften it, delay it, avoid it, or bundle it up in vague generalities.

But giving good feedback isn’t about catching someone out or fixing them - it’s about helping them see what’s working, what’s not, and what to do next.

Why Feedback Matters

Clear, honest, constructive feedback is one of the most powerful tools you have as a leader. It:

• Builds trust and transparency

• Shows people they’re seen and valued

• Helps nip issues in the bud

• Prevents resentment and confusion

• Boosts morale and motivation

• Makes expectations visible and fair

And that includes positive feedback too. Not vague praise, but clear, specific recognition that shows people what good looks like and helps it happen again.

Feedback shouldn’t be an annual event saved up for performance reviews.

It works best when it’s regular, respectful, and part of everyday working life.

What Happens When Feedback Is Missing

When feedback is avoided, the issues don’t disappear; they just go underground and lead to resentment. Here’s what I see in teams where feedback is patchy or inconsistent:

• People don’t know what’s expected

• Good work goes unrecognised

• Poor behaviour goes unchallenged

• Frustration simmers quietly

• Trust erodes over time

If no one’s saying it out loud, someone’s probably saying it somewhere else. Better to create space for honest conversations than let gossip or guesswork fill the silence.

Practical Tips: How to Give Better Feedback

You don’t need a script. But you do need to be thoughtful. Here’s a simple, human-centred approach that works in real life. Here’s how:

1. Start a Conversation, Not a Monologue

Feedback is most powerful when it’s a two-way exchange, not a download. Try opening with: “How do you think that went?”; “What do you feel went well?”; “What would you do differently next time?”
Making it a dialogue lowers defensiveness and shows respect. When someone feels part of the conversation, they’re far more likely to take action

2. Use the AID framework: Action – Impact – Direction

A simple structure that focuses on behaviour (not personality):

• Action – What did they do?

• Impact – What effect did it have?

• Direction – What’s the change you want?

Marshall Goldsmith

3. Feed Forward, Not Back

You can’t change the past, so dwelling in it provokes a defensive response. If you make the conversation future-focused, people will be less defensive, they will listen and engage in the conversation about how to improve. The concept of Feed Forward was developed by Marshall Goldsmith. It’s about focusing on future actions, not past mistakes and shifts the conversation from blame to growth.

• “Next time, I’d like you to…”

• “In future, what would help is…”

4. Praise in Public, Criticise in Private

Celebrate positive feedback in front of the team. It’s motivating, reinforcing, and a subtle way to highlight expectations. But if your feedback is critical or sensitive? Make time and find a space to talk in private.

5. Say It While It’s Fresh

Don’t save feedback up for next month’s one-to-one because it loses value and impact the longer you wait. If something helpful or important happens, say it while the moment’s still alive.

6. Don’t ask WHY

When you ask someone, “Why did you…?” or ‘Why did that happen…?” it puts people on the spot, it sounds like an accusation even if you don’t mean it to. Research shows that asking WHY activates the brain’s threat response, triggering defensiveness or withdrawal. People feel like they’re being interrogated rather than invited into a conversation.

This is especially true if you’re in a position of authority, the issue is sensitive or recent, or the person is already unsure or insecure

Instead of starting with “Why…?”, try reframing the question with one of these more open, exploratory alternatives:

• “What was your intention behind…?”

• “What were you aiming to achieve?”

• “Can you talk me through how you approached it?”

• “What do you think worked well, and what might you do differently next time?”

7. Other Words and Phrases to Avoid

Some phrases raise defences before your point has even landed.

Here are a few to watch out for:

• “You always…” / “You never…” - it’s generalising, unhelpful and often based on assumptions, not fact.

• “But…” is the classic ‘sh*t sandwich"‘ it cancels out anything positive you said before it and dliutes the message.

• “If I were you…” — sounds patronising

• “I think…” — try “What’s your take?” instead

8. Avoid You or Fact Tennis

Psychotherapist and author Philippa Perry uses the term “fact tennis” to describe a common trap in difficult conversations. She describes it as two people locked in a back-and-forth of “who’s right” lobbing facts, justifications, and corrections over the net. It becomes a rally of defensiveness where nobody wins.

In feedback conversations, a similar trap can happen — let’s call it “you tennis.”

One person says: “You didn’t do that properly.”

The other responds: “Well, you didn’t explain it clearly.”

And we’re off!

It’s unproductive and it creates tension.

When you show empathy and that you understand the other's perspective, their feelings and their fears, you can have a more productive conversation. Try centring the feedback on your experience and perspective, and on observable behaviour and impact.

Instead of “You didn’t speak up in that meeting.” Try: “I noticed you were quiet in the meeting, and I was wondering . . .”

Instead of “You’re always late with your reports.” Try “I’ve noticed the last few reports have arrived after the deadline. That makes it harder for us to meet the next step on time.”

Instead of: “You’re not a team player.” Try: “I’ve noticed you’ve chosen to work solo on the last few projects, I’m curious. . .”

9. Remember Radical Candor

Kim Scott’s Radical Candor framework is a favourite of mine and matches with Brene Brown’s:

”Clear is kind and kind is clear.”

Great feedback happens when you care personally and challenge directly. If you only care but don’t challenge? You’re being nice but not helpful. If you challenge without care? It’s harsh — and it rarely lands. When you find the balance of both, you are clear and kind, you build trust and growth

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Reflection Exercise: Getting Comfortable With Feedback

Take 10 minutes to reflect on the following:

• When was the last time I gave someone clear, helpful feedback in the moment?

• What kind of feedback do I tend to avoid giving and what’s behind that? (Fear of upsetting them? Not being sure how to say it?)

• Is there anyone in my team who could benefit from recognition or clarity this week?

• How could I be clearer when I’m giving feedback and make it a useful dialogue rather than a monologue?

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Would you like to discover how to give feedback or build a feedback culture?

I help leaders and managers to be more confident about giving regular feedback, and practice how to give clear, more effective feedback. I also work with senior leaders or other teams on how to build a feedback culture

If you’d like to chat about how I can help you through Leadership Coaching or workshops and training on giving feedback, get in touch.

• Book a time to chat on Zoom (or in person) via Calendly >

• Call me on 07966 475195

• Email polly@pollyrobinson.co.uk

How to build Confidence and overcome Imposter Syndrome

This is the first article in my new series: Practical Tips for Leaders and Managers.

Each week, I’ll share clear and practical tips to help you be a people-focussed leader - whether you're a new manager finding your feet or an experienced leader dealing with new challenges.

Over the next 10 weeks, we’ll explore topics like:

• Giving Better Feedback

• Managing and Prioritising your Time

• Running Effective Meetings

• Dealing with Conflict or Difficult Conversations

• Leading through Change

I’ve chosen these themes becuase they come up over and over again with the leaders, new managers and teams I coach.

In the first of the series we will explore:

How to Build Confidence and Overcome Imposter Syndrome

Why self-doubt is normal and what to do when it holds you back

I work with many leaders and managers, men and women, experienced and brand new and one of thing that comes up in the majority of exploratory calls or leadership development programmes is:

“I’ve got imposter syndrome.”

“I don’t feel confident.”

“I feel like I have to constantly prove I’m good enough for my role.”

“People say I look confident, but underneath the surface I’m just coping and panicking!”

Does that sound familiar?

These feelings are incredibly common, especially for capable, conscientious people doing something new or challenging or just trying to do the best job that they can.

You’re also not broken. And you’re definitely not an imposter.

The problem with giving yourself the label of “I’ve got Imposter Syndrome” is that it puts the issue inside you — like it’s a flaw or a medical condition (syndrome is a medical term) and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The Oxford English Dictionary’s definition of imposter is:

“A person who pretends to be someone else in order to deceive others, especially for fraudulent gain.”

But you’re not pretending to be someone else, you are not a fraud. You are you, you are doing new things and learning and growing.

Start by reframing it as self-doubt not Imposter Syndrome.

The first thing is to recognise that this is a normal human response. You are not broken.

Secondly you can’t talk yourself out if - it’s not about thinking positively and pushing through because it’s sitting in your nervous system not your brain. You know it’s not rational and that’s why we end up beating ourselves up about it.

So no matter what you tell yourself or anyone says to you, it’s just your body and nervous system trying to keep you safe. When it senses “threat” like a new experience, a risky decision, or fear of judgment or failure, it reacts the same way it would to real danger: Fight. Flight. Freeze. People-please.

That means no amount of positive self-talk will fix it in the moment.

The real work is about teaching your nervous system, over time, that you are safe — and you can do hard things.

There’s no overnight confidence fix.

The only way to retrain your nervous system and your rational mind is to take small, repeated steps that show it that’s you’re safe - you’ve got this - you deserve to be here.

What Happens When Confidence Is Missing

When we’re overwhelmed by self-doubt it causes us to:

• Hiding, procrastinating or not stepping up to avoid being found out.

• Working too hard to compensate and prove ourselves.

• Over-preparing or micro-managing so we don’t loose control.

• Over-explaining or being defensive

• People-pleasing and not being able to say no, not now.

Confidence is built through taking small practical steps.

Practical Tips to Be More Confident

You can’t think your way out of self-doubt — but you can take small steps that build trust in yourself over time. Here’s where to start:

1. Let go of the label
   The word syndrome sounds like there’s something wrong with you. There isn’t. This isn’t a diagnosis — it’s a very normal response to growth.

2. Acknowledge What You’re Feeling
   Write it down to get it out of your head - these emotions are real but it’s not because you’re not capable. By naming it and writing it down, you distance yourself from them. You’re not overreacting — your body, your nervous system responding to perceived threat or danger.

3. Calm Your Nervous System
   Before doing something that feels scary, speaking up in a meeting, making a big decision or giving some difficult feedbck, pause to calm your system. This is physiological and shows your nervous system: “I’m safe, I’ve got this.” Try:
   - A few deep belly breaths
   - A quick walk, stretch
   - Some fresh air and sunlight or splashing cold water on your face
   - A grounding phrase like: “I am safe and capable.” and physically planting your feet on the floor to ground yourself.

4. Take a Small, Achievable Step
   Confidence is like a muscle - you build it through doing and discovering that you’re safe. This isn’t about giant leaps, it’s about small steps.
   Ask: “What’s one small thing I can do to move forward from here?”
   Don’t get held back by needing perfection, just take a small step.

5. Be Kind to Yourself
   You’re allowed to feel nervous. You’re allowed to not know everything. Talking back to the nagging voice in your head, your inner critic, as if you were your best friend giving the kindest advice.
   Ask: “What would I say to a friend feeling like this?”

6. Create a Safe Space to Reflect
   Build a habit of offloading what’s in your head so it doesn’t stay trapped there. Talking to friends or a partner can help but make time for quiet personal reflection by keeping a journal or notebook. This isn’t about keeping a diary - it’s about clearing space and building evidence. Use these prompts:
   - What three things went really well today (even small things)
   - What’s spinning in my head or what am I overthinking.
   - What is my inner critic saying and your kind, rational response
   - What 1–3 things would make tomorrow feel like a win?

7. Acknowledge and Celebrate Small Wins
   Make time to give yourself a pat on the back when things go well or you’ve done something brave. Acknowledge what you’ve achieved (even the tiny things). Write it in your journal to look back on in the future.

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Reflection Exercise: Building Confidence From the Inside Out

Take 10 quiet minutes to reflect on these prompts:

• Where in your work life do you feel confident?

• Where do you not?

• What’s one moment you handled well recently even if it felt hard?

• What “evidence” of your strengths, skills and experience are you forgetting?

• What’s one tiny step you could take this week to stretch yourself kindly?

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Would you like support to build your confidence and overcome self-doubt/imposter syndrome?

If self-doubt is holding you back, I can help you to":

• Understand what’s really going on beneath the surface

• Build confidence from the inside out

• Stop second-guessing and start trusting yourself.

Coaching gives you a safe, supportive space to say the things you can’t always say out loud — and figure out what you need to move forward with more confidence.

I offer a free first coaching call where we can explore what is holding you back and how coaching may help you get unstuck.
You can book a meeting straight into my diary using this link to Calendly - Book a Free Coaching Session >

You are also welcome to call me on 07966 475195 or email me at polly@pollyrobinson.co.uk.