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How to Give Feedback
This is the second blog in my weekly series: Practical Tips for Leaders and Managers.
This article shares some practical tips for giving feedback, something that almost everyone I work with admits is hard and uncomfortable.
How to have useful, honest feedback conversations
that help people grow
This is the second blog in my weekly series: Practical Tips for Leaders and Managers.
Each post shares straightforward advice to help you lead with more confidence, clarity and care — whether you're managing your first team or leading a group of experienced professionals and is inspired by the themes I regularly come across in my work as an Executive Coach and Facilitator. So far, we’ve explored How to Build Confidence and overcome Imposter Syndrome.
This article shares some practical tips for giving feedback, something that almost everyone I work with admits is hard and uncomfortable.
Why Feedback Feels So Hard
When I’m coaching leaders and managers, even experienced ones, I often hear some version of this:
“I find feedback awkward — I don’t want to upset anyone.”
“I know I should give feedback, but I never know how to start or how to find the right time.”
“What if they take it the wrong way?”
It’s easy to avoid giving feedback, tempting to soften it with a ‘sh*t sandwich’, or just drop vague hints that don’t get heard or safe it up to the next annual review - by which time you feel resentful and the lack of intervention may have caused bigger problems.
But done well, it’s about helping someone see what’s working, what’s not, and what they could do differently in the future, with care and clarity.
We might hold back from giving feedback because:
We worry that if we give honest feedback, they might not like me. “If I’m honest, they’ll think I’m harsh or unfair.”
We fear an emotional reaction. “What if they get upset, angry or defensive, and I don’t know how to handle it?”
We’re uncomfortable with discomfort with confrontation or conflict
We lack confidence in our own ability. “Who am I to give feedback when I’m not perfect either?”
We don’t want to get it wrong. “If I can’t say it exactly right, I’d better not say it at all.”
We make assumptions, “They probably already know,” or “They won’t change anyway.”
We’re nervous about creating more work or complexity “If I raise this, I might open a can of worms.”So we soften it, delay it, avoid it, or bundle it up in vague generalities.
But giving good feedback isn’t about catching someone out or fixing them - it’s about helping them see what’s working, what’s not, and what to do next.
Why Feedback Matters
Clear, honest, constructive feedback is one of the most powerful tools you have as a leader. It:
Builds trust and transparency
Shows people they’re seen and valued
Helps nip issues in the bud
Prevents resentment and confusion
Boosts morale and motivation
Makes expectations visible and fair
And that includes positive feedback too. Not vague praise, but clear, specific recognition that shows people what good looks like and helps it happen again.
Feedback shouldn’t be an annual event saved up for performance reviews.
It works best when it’s regular, respectful, and part of everyday working life.
What Happens When Feedback Is Missing
When feedback is avoided, the issues don’t disappear; they just go underground and lead to resentment. Here’s what I see in teams where feedback is patchy or inconsistent:
People don’t know what’s expected
Good work goes unrecognised
Poor behaviour goes unchallenged
Frustration simmers quietly
Trust erodes over time
If no one’s saying it out loud, someone’s probably saying it somewhere else. Better to create space for honest conversations than let gossip or guesswork fill the silence.
Practical Tips: How to Give Better Feedback
You don’t need a script. But you do need to be thoughtful. Here’s a simple, human-centred approach that works in real life. Here’s how:
Start a Conversation, Not a Monologue
Feedback is most powerful when it’s a two-way exchange, not a download. Try opening with: “How do you think that went?”; “What do you feel went well?”; “What would you do differently next time?”
Making it a dialogue lowers defensiveness and shows respect. When someone feels part of the conversation, they’re far more likely to take action
2. Use the AID framework: Action – Impact – Direction
A simple structure that focuses on behaviour (not personality):
Action – What did they do?
Impact – What effect did it have?
Direction – What’s the change you want?
Marshall Goldsmith
3. Feed Forward, Not Back
You can’t change the past, so dwelling in it provokes a defensive response. If you make the conversation future-focused, people will be less defensive, they will listen and engage in the conversation about how to improve. The concept of Feed Forward was developed by Marshall Goldsmith. It’s about focusing on future actions, not past mistakes and shifts the conversation from blame to growth.
“Next time, I’d like you to…”
“In future, what would help is…”
4. Praise in Public, Criticise in Private
Celebrate positive feedback in front of the team. It’s motivating, reinforcing, and a subtle way to highlight expectations. But if your feedback is critical or sensitive? Make time and find a space to talk in private.
5. Say It While It’s Fresh
Don’t save feedback up for next month’s one-to-one because it loses value and impact the longer you wait. If something helpful or important happens, say it while the moment’s still alive.
6. Don’t ask WHY
When you ask someone, “Why did you…?” or ‘Why did that happen…?” it puts people on the spot, it sounds like an accusation even if you don’t mean it to. Research shows that asking WHY activates the brain’s threat response, triggering defensiveness or withdrawal. People feel like they’re being interrogated rather than invited into a conversation.
This is especially true if you’re in a position of authority, the issue is sensitive or recent, or the person is already unsure or insecure
Instead of starting with “Why…?”, try reframing the question with one of these more open, exploratory alternatives:
“What was your intention behind…?”
“What were you aiming to achieve?”
“Can you talk me through how you approached it?”
“What do you think worked well, and what might you do differently next time?”
7. Other Words and Phrases to Avoid
Some phrases raise defences before your point has even landed.
Here are a few to watch out for:
“You always…” / “You never…” - it’s generalising, unhelpful and often based on assumptions, not fact.
“But…” is the classic ‘sh*t sandwich"‘ it cancels out anything positive you said before it and dliutes the message.
“If I were you…” — sounds patronising
“I think…” — try “What’s your take?” instead
8. Avoid You or Fact Tennis
Psychotherapist and author Philippa Perry uses the term “fact tennis” to describe a common trap in difficult conversations. She describes it as two people locked in a back-and-forth of “who’s right” lobbing facts, justifications, and corrections over the net. It becomes a rally of defensiveness where nobody wins.
In feedback conversations, a similar trap can happen — let’s call it “you tennis.”
One person says: “You didn’t do that properly.”
The other responds: “Well, you didn’t explain it clearly.”
And we’re off!
It’s unproductive and it creates tension.
When you show empathy and that you understand the other's perspective, their feelings and their fears, you can have a more productive conversation. Try centring the feedback on your experience and perspective, and on observable behaviour and impact.
Instead of “You didn’t speak up in that meeting.” Try: “I noticed you were quiet in the meeting, and I was wondering . . .”
Instead of “You’re always late with your reports.” Try “I’ve noticed the last few reports have arrived after the deadline. That makes it harder for us to meet the next step on time.”
Instead of: “You’re not a team player.” Try: “I’ve noticed you’ve chosen to work solo on the last few projects, I’m curious. . .”
9. Remember Radical Candor
Kim Scott’s Radical Candor framework is a favourite of mine and matches with Brene Brown’s:
”Clear is kind and kind is clear.”
Great feedback happens when you care personally and challenge directly. If you only care but don’t challenge? You’re being nice but not helpful. If you challenge without care? It’s harsh — and it rarely lands. When you find the balance of both, you are clear and kind, you build trust and growth
Reflection Exercise: Getting Comfortable With Feedback
Take 10 minutes to reflect on the following:
When was the last time I gave someone clear, helpful feedback in the moment?
What kind of feedback do I tend to avoid giving and what’s behind that? (Fear of upsetting them? Not being sure how to say it?)
Is there anyone in my team who could benefit from recognition or clarity this week?
How could I be clearer when I’m giving feedback and make it a useful dialogue rather than a monologue?
Would you like to discover how to give feedback or build a feedback culture?
I help leaders and managers to be more confident about giving regular feedback, and practice how to give clear, more effective feedback. I also work with senior leaders or other teams on how to build a feedback culture
If you’d like to chat about how I can help you through Leadership Coaching or workshops and training on giving feedback, get in touch.
Book a time to chat on Zoom (or in person) via Calendly >
Call me on 07966 475195