5 Steps to Building a Brilliant Team. No 2. Healthy Conflict.
“Conflict Isn’t the Problem — Avoiding It Is.”
When people hear the word conflict in a work context, most of us flinch.
We think of drama. Arguments. Division.
We picture raised voices or awkward silences.
But healthy conflict in teams is none of those things.
Healthy conflict is about ideas, decisions, and direction — not personal attacks or point-scoring.
It’s the kind of debate that makes ideas stronger, decisions better, and teams more committed to what happens next.
This is the second article in my series exploring how to build a brilliant team — inspired by Patrick Lencioni’s Five Dysfunctions of a Team model. In the first, we looked at Trust as the essential foundation of teamwork. Today, we’re talking about something most teams avoid… Conflict.
As Patrick Lencioni puts it:
“If people don’t weigh in, they won’t buy in.”
Lencioni is clear: conflict in teams isn’t a bad thing — in fact, it’s essential.
“Conflict is not personal — it’s about ideas, decisions, and direction.”
In The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, he explains that teams with high levels of Trust can disagree openly, challenge one another, and debate the best way forward — without fear of reprisal, blame, or tension.
Conflict is how good decisions get made. It’s how innovation happens. It’s how people feel heard and valued.
When we avoid it, we lose out — on clarity, commitment, and creativity.
Why Most Teams Avoid Conflict
Most teams avoid conflict not because they don’t care — but because it’s uncomfortable. Why?
We’re wired for harmony.
We want to be liked.
We worry about upsetting people.
And we assume that conflict always leads to confrontation.
But in avoiding the tough conversations, teams create a much bigger problem…
The Risks of Avoiding Conflict
Avoiding conflict doesn’t make tension disappear — it just pushes it underground. Here’s what it can lead to:
Artificial Harmony
Everything looks polite or aligned — but people are holding back. Opinions stay hidden, challenges go unspoken, and better ideas are lost.Loss of Commitment
If you’ve not had a chance to contribute to a decision, you’re far less likely to feel ownership or commitment to it.Gossip and Side Conversations
When people don’t feel safe to speak up in the room, the real conversations happen elsewhere — in corridors, in messages, in frustration. This erodes trust and alignment fast.Weaker Ideas & Decisions
When teams avoid debate, assumptions go untested and decisions are made in an echo chamber. You lose the chance to stress-test ideas, spot blind spots, and surface creative thinking.
What Does Healthy Conflict Look Like?
Healthy conflict isn’t shouting matches or blame. It’s about respectful challenge, honest questions, and disagreement with shared purpose. Here’s the difference:
Healthy Conflict
Candid debate about issues
Direct feedback
Respectful disagreement with space for emotion
Challenging ideas without fear
Discomfort that leads to progress
Dysfunctional Conflict
Passive silence in meetings
"Yes, but…" behaviours
Resentment or eye-rolling
Avoidance of difficult topics
Personal attacks or blame-shifting
Teams with strong trust can disagree openly — and constructively — because they know it’s not personal.
“I’m challenging you because I care about getting this right.”
Different Styles of Handling Conflict
It’s also helpful to recognise that people handle conflict differently — and that’s okay.
The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI) is a well-known model that outlines five typical approaches to conflict, based on how assertive or cooperative someone is. Understanding these styles can help you spot how people in your team naturally respond to disagreement — and how to adapt your approach.
These are the different conflict styles Thomas-Kilmann identifies and when they are useful.
Competing - High assertiveness, low cooperativeness. Focused on winning.
Useful in urgent situations needing quick decisions.Collaborating -High assertiveness, high cooperativeness. Seeking win-win solutions.
Ideal for complex issues where different perspectives strengthen outcomes.Compromising - Moderate assertiveness and cooperativeness. Seeking middle ground.
Good for temporary or time-pressured solutions.Avoiding - Low assertiveness and cooperativeness. Steering clear of the issue.
Appropriate if the issue is trivial or more information is needed.Accommodating - Low assertiveness, high cooperativeness. Yielding to maintain harmony.
Useful when preserving relationships is more important than the issue itself.
No one style is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ — but great teams (and leaders) learn to flex their approach depending on the situation.
Practical Tools for Handling Disagreement Well
Here’s a toolkit you can use straight away to encourage better disagreement and honest conversation in your team:
Listen First
Fully understand the other person’s perspective before responding. Ask clarifying questions like:
”Can I check my understanding of what you’re saying?”Confirm the Facts
Create a shared reality by stating what you’ve heard:
“I understand you're suggesting X — have I got that right?”Own Your Reaction
Use emotion constructively by owning your feelings:
“When I hear this, I feel concerned about X because…”Use “I” Language
Frame concerns in a way that avoids blame:
“I’m worried this could affect delivery” vs. “You’re not thinking about the deadline.”Return to Shared Purpose
Bring the conversation back to mutual goals:
“I know we both want this project to succeed — my concern is…”
Questions To Reflect On With Your Team
Use these in a team meeting or workshop to open up a healthy conversation about conflict:
What kinds of debate or disagreement do we tend to avoid here?
What’s the impact of avoiding those conversations?
What do we lose when we don’t challenge each other?
What signals show that healthy disagreement is tipping into unhelpful conflict?
Can you think of a relationship that grew stronger because of well-handled conflict? What made that possible?
What gets in the way of honest disagreement or speaking up here?
Team Exercise: Create Your Team Norm for Debate & Disagreement
Every team needs its own rules for healthy challenge. Ask your team:
How do we want to handle debate and disagreement going forward?
What behaviours will help us speak up and listen well?
What behaviours do we want to avoid?
What’s one phrase or action that helps you speak up, even when it’s hard?
What would make it easier to raise concerns or challenge something here?
Capture these as a Team Norm — something everyone can agree to and return to when things get sticky.
Reflection Exercise: What’s Your Relationship With Conflict?
Take 10 minutes to reflect — or bring this into your next team session:
Your personal conflict style:
When disagreement shows up in a meeting, what’s your instinct — speak up? Shut down? Smooth things over?
Which of the Thomas-Kilmann conflict styles do you tend to fall into?
When have you avoided a conflict — and what was the cost?
Your team’s culture:
Where is your team currently: artificial harmony or healthy debate?
What’s one conversation your team might be avoiding?
What’s one thing you could do this week to make disagreement easier or more productive?
Need Help Creating a Culture of Healthy Conflict?
Need Help Creating Healthy Conflict in Your Team
Disagreement doesn’t have to feel difficult — but it does take practice, confidence, and sometimes a bit of outside help.
That’s where I come in.
I design and facilitate practical, human team workshops that create space for honest conversation, respectful challenge, and better decision-making.
Whether your team avoids difficult conversations, plays it too safe, or just needs to build confidence in how to disagree well — I can help.
→ Workshops rooted in insight and action.
→ Tools to handle disagreement constructively.
→ Space for people to talk openly — and listen well.
If you’d like to chat about how I could support your team, get in touch.
Call Polly on 07966 475195 or email polly@pollyrobinson.co.uk
